Reflections On My {sort of} Summer Vacation

As I sit here about to jump headfirst into a new job, I’ve taken a few moments to reflect on the summer. Just four months ago, I was working in full time ministry on staff at a church. Slowly, I began to feel this little nudge telling me that I was about to open a new chapter of my life and vocationally, I was being called back into the world of nursing. (*I have a nursing degree. Five years into nursing, I felt like I was supposed to lay it down to pick up a church staff position.) Now though, as I prayed, I felt Him saying to put in my resignation and return to my nursing ministry.

That was a scary moment. I didn’t have a job lined up, but I knew in my heart that this was my next step. It’s kind of like when you jump over a big ditch that is slightly larger than the “wingspan” of your legs and you can’t wait to feel that other side to know you made it… except I wasn’t on the other side quite yet. There was a job I prayed about that allowed me to work with wounded warriors again that made my heart come alive, but it wasn’t open for applicants. So there I hovered in the air, waiting to make it to the other side of the ditch.

That left me with some free time. Being the Type A person that I am, I began planning all the things I would do with the couple months of “summer vacation” I would enjoy to include sleeping in, laying by the pool, trying lots of new cookie recipes, reading lots of new books, and writing tons of blog posts. The one thing I forgot was to invite God into those plans.

My last day working at the church was May 31st. With some leftover vacation, I finished up a bit early intentionally because my stepson Jeremiah and stepdaughter Lilly were spending time with us. So there I was: On my first week of “summer vacation,” knee deep in EARLY wake-ups, playground trips, apple slice cutting, and diaper changes. (Please note above: This was not exactly in my original plan.)  Can I be honest? I was having an expectation gap. You know, when you expect one thing and get something TOTALLY different? That moment when what you had your heart set on and felt you needed wasn’t what God felt you needed? When what you had scheduled in your planner wasn’t playing out? When the dreams in your heart felt far away from the reality in front of you?

Instead of relaxing, I felt like I was on (unpaid) maternity leave. Now, please allow me this disclaimer with such a bold statement. I am in no way taking away from the unique challenge of a newborn(s) during the widely recognized use of the term maternity leave. I am simply drawing an analogy of what I believe those weeks are used for post-birth and what I was doing. I was bonding with new children. I was learning what life was like with two incredible additions to our family. I was figuring out how to balance a husband and family and friends… All of which couldn’t be farther away from my anticipated plans.

I had a choice to make. I could embrace God’s positioning or fight for my pre-designed summer schedule. I could submit to the Lord’s plan or I could flail around trying desperately to make my own ideas work. I could enjoy the moments getting to invest in the life of my new children or cry on my bed trying to figure out how I got to this place.

And we all have those moments. They don’t all look like what I have come to call “stepmommy maternity leave,” but we all have expectation gaps. “I thought I would be married and I’m still single. I thought I would have _____ degree by now and I don’t. I thought I would have seen more of the world by now, but I haven’t. I thought I would have a quiver of children by now, but I don’t. I thought my husband would do _____ more, but he doesn’t. I thought my house would have a kitchen island and it doesn’t.” I don’t know what your gap looks like, but I know our options are the same: embrace our moment or flounder around and miss out on the blessings all around us.

And here’s what helped me: It’s not a one-time choice and you’re done. It’s a daily, moment-by-moment surrender to fully submit to God’s plan and not my own. It’s not that you can’t do it. It’s that we have to KEEP doing it. Boy, am I thankful that even though it is hard at times, I choose joy and to count the special times we have had with our new little family this summer. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss hearing Lilly say “bless chouuuu” after my sneeze for the first time after coaching her for two months straight or “amen” after our many daily prayers. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss seeing how my husband loves on these two beautiful kids. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the feeling of my mommy instincts coming alive for the very first time. And I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to miss the fullness I have in my heart to be part of such a gorgeous family.

I don’t know if you share in my challenge of expectation gaps, but if you do, I would encourage you to choose joy, to have eyes open to see your blessings, and to live in that moment of making a lifelong memory.

(The rest of the story: That dream nursing job opened up… and guess who got it?! God is faithful. All the time.)

The Rules For Supporting New Stepmoms

Earlier this summer, I read a blog post entitled “The Rules For Visiting A New Mom.” I was innocently scrolling through my Newsfeed and I couldn’t resist opening it. I mean, I haven’t popped out my own children, so how would I understand the pain/sleep deprivation/breastfeeding challenges, etc? And if I even began to understand those issues, I certainly wouldn’t know where (or how) to start helping in a practical way.

That’s when I started thinking. About seven months ago, I became a stepmom or #instamommy as I have endearingly been referring to myself. Although I had some dating and engagement time to ponder what the future would look like, I am not sure there is anything that can be done to adequately prepare you for the life change that comes with getting additional blessings along with your husband after matrimony.

So, I thought since I was equally as clueless about how to support the mom of a newborn, why not help those people who may feel similarly about a friend, co-worker, or family member who just stepped into the role of stepmom? Here are a couple things I’ve found to be especially helpful:

1) Give her space. Think about it. When a mother has a newborn, they get maternity leave – anywhere from 4-6 weeks to 18 weeks (Go U.S. Navy!). That time is typically used to recover from the birthing process, bond, learn to care for the new munchkin, and figure out what this new chapter looks like for the entire family. In the same way, stepmothers undergo almost identical challenges without the carved out time to adjust. Now, I am not trying to advocate for stepmom maternity leave (although I would not say “no” to it!). However, sometimes dependent on the custody situation, stepmothers absolutely need a time to transition into their new role, bond with their child, and learn to care for their unique physical and emotional needs. So, when your loved one makes this leap into parenthood, give her some time to adjust…

2) Give her your support. I’m sure you’re confused and asking, “How do I give her space AND support?” Here’s how. Text her, “I love you! I know you’re being the best stepmom ever!” instead of “Hey, haven’t heard from you in awhile. How’s it going?” Here’s why: a) She probably already feels overwhelmed with the transition. You’re adding stress to text back, not helping the current situation. b) The “guilt trip texts” are annoying. Always. No matter what the season. c) You’re affirming her role in the child’s life!

Another way of navigating the “space to support” grey area is to ask, while affirming the challenge of her transition. “Hey, just wanted to check in. I know you probably need some time to get used to everything, but I’d love to have you over or get coffee. Is this a good week or should we hold off?” This type of communication works miracles. Here’s why: a) It acknowledges what she’s already thinking and feeling (that she secretly didn’t believe anyone knew about). b) You are showing your support and your love for her. c) It gives her the opportunity to say, “Nope, this week I’m having a meltdown and can’t manage anything else” or “I would LOVE that! I need a good girlfriend conversation.”

3) Affirm her purpose and her role. I would say the most difficult part of being a #instamommy or stepmommy is learning where you fit in the big picture of the family and even the realization of being a mom. There’s something about pregnancy, the birthing process, or even an adoption process that I’m hoping must make you feel more like a mother. For me, it took awhile to get there, but one of the most helpful steps came when a friend texted me, “You are such a good stepmom!” For whatever reason, it hit me then. I knew in theory I had earned a couple titles on my wedding day, but coming into the fullness of those new roles is a process. Affirmation helps that process along!

And I cannot stress this enough. If this loved one of yours married a man with children, SHE HAS A PURPOSE IN THAT CHILD’S LIFE (or children’s lives!). The world wants to tell her she’s “extra” or “unneeded” or “unimportant.” I am here to tell you that your role in supporting a new stepmom is to speak words of encouragement and life over her. She has an intentional place in that child’s life. She has an important role to play. She is needed no matter what special family dynamics are going on all around her. She needs to know that you believe in her through the court hearings, the custody (dis)agreements, the emotional ups and downs, and every moment in between.

4. Ask about the kids. When I first got married, everyone was asking about my wedded bliss. Well, it was exactly that! Blissful in every way. Being married to my husband was easy. Being a stepmommy? Well, now that took some adjustment. If you’re a loved one or even if you’re not, if you know someone who got married and is a new stepmom, ask about the kids. Here’s why: a) It affirms her role. Hmmm, I think I read that a few other times… b) It acknowledges a situation some people tend to skirt around because it can make them feel uncomfortable. c) She probably wants to talk about them and show you one million photos because they’re a big part of her life now!

In closing, I want to leave this caveat: Blended families require you to take the mold off of “typical” and “normal” and all those other “fit in this box” family words. We all look different. We all have unique struggles and challenges. And we all get to experience our own special blessings because of it all.

I would love to hear if you felt this was helpful! Be sure to share this with those special stepmommies out there or even to those you think who might benefit from reading along.

“Help please?”

Last week, our little family ventured north to New Jersey to visit family. Per usual, we had an amazing time hanging out with everyone, visiting different pools, water parks, and finding fun activities for our almost 20-month old. I always tell Jeremy that one of my favorite parts of being a parent is seeing the kids’ reactions to new adventures!

And of course, with new adventures, come new challenges. Learning to walk down the pool steps, getting a (pretend) baby snapped in the (pretend) baby carriage, holding a “big girl cup” with a straw, putting on shoes to go outside… You get the point. And with toddler challenges, come parent challenges. We’ve observed Lilly trying feverishly to be independent in whatever task is at hand. Whether it’s eating (picture a blender with the lid off while pressing “pulse”) or exploring, she wants to handle things on her own. For a couple minutes, she will attempt the task while we watch. Then, all of a sudden, she will begin to whine, which then leads quickly to a loud yell that sounds something like a squealing monkey, albeit the cutest monkey ever. 😉 Although she knows the words “help please,” her instant reaction is to be frustrated and squeal instead of clearly communicate her needs.

This got me thinking because I feel like Lilly often reflects us as adults. How often do we have one thousand things going on in a week, and instead of asking for help, we just get frustrated and “squeal,” affecting the relationships around me? What if I just reached out to my boss instead of stressing and said, “I need your help with something. Could you tell me what your priorities are for this week? I’d like to finish them because I do not believe I am able to get everything on this list completed.” Or what if I just reached out to my husband instead of being passive aggressive and said, “I need your help. Could you start dinner Thursday so we can have more time as a family afterwards?” Or what if I reached out to my friend instead of isolating myself and said, “I need your help. This past week has been crazy and I could use a few extra prayers of encouragement.” Or… what if I reached out to The Helper and said, “God, I need extra help today. Could you give me grace to handle these tasks and the wisdom to prioritize what is most important to You?”

I’m hopeful that you don’t even need this reminder today, but if you are feeling stressed (like I do sometimes), remember God placed you into a specific community of people to support you. Just like God put Lilly in our care to help her in any way that we can, you are surrounded by your own “family,” intentionally designed to help you. I would challenge you to try out Lilly’s new favorite phrase this week, “Help please?”

It can wait.

On Tuesday, I watched this video from AT&T on using cell phones while driving. It’s worth your 3:52. Their ad campaign, “It Can Wait” got my attention for more reasons than the obvious one. I think I identified more with the feeling of, “It canNOT wait.” *{It} being really ANYTHING in life, sometimes including text messages. I mean, we live in a world of instant gratification. From microwaves to social media to cell phones – we are not familiar with delayed gratification. I think about my own internal dialogue throughout the day,

• “What lane will have the least amount of traffic so I can get to my destination fastest?”
• “What cashier will work the quickest to get me out of Target first?”
• “Which workout will I do that takes the least amount of time?”

But what if God created intentional times of waiting? What if He actually pre-planned those moments of stillness, rest, and delay? What if our unexpected extra 3 minutes on the road were meant to put us beside a different person in the restaurant who needs Him? What if the Target cashier we chose is new and needing His encouragement? What if our longer run is where He’s waiting to tell us an answer we can’t hear over Shaun T’s voice?

But then, there’s the bigger question. What if we are called to wait on those bigger moments in life and not the couple minutes going from place to place? What if our delay is while waiting for a spouse to come into our life or the healing of a loved one or the job with benefits or the pregnancy test to be positive or a best friend to come to Jesus or a spouse to stop drinking?

In the last two months, I’ve had my own personal time of waiting. I resigned from a job without another one in the works. I took a risk. I made a leap because I knew God had more for me wherever He was leading. I had no idea this jump would be met with the opportunity to embrace a season of learning to be patient. And enjoy the delay. Wouldn’t you know I found it harder to be still than to go to work each day? Over the course of this summer, I’ve taken a few notes on my own delayed gratification and how I feel God has lead me to steward this time. Have I done this perfectly? Nope, but I sure am taking Him up on the opportunity to glean from the experience.

1. Ask God what His purpose is in the waiting. It took me a little too long to ask this question, but once I heard Him say to focus on my family, friends, and my writing, I was set. I had His vision for what the next indefinite amount of time would look like.

2. Trust Him in that place of uncertainty and restlessness. Then, move forward. After He tells you, ya gotta trust Him and take a step forward! For me, I heard Him say “family” and then got a text saying my grandmother would be starting chemotherapy in the next couple weeks. I talk about her chemo appointment in this previous post. I took advantage of the open space to go back home and spend time with my grandma. What opportunity has God opened for you to take advantage of in your own season of waiting?

3. Have faith even when the timeline is longer than you expected. His “delay” is not always indicative of an ultimate answer. For this situation specifically, I got antsy about Week #3. I was already asking for my next step and questioning His promise of provision. “Would I get that dream job I wanted? Would I have to take a something in the meantime? Are our finances okay? Should I make a Plan B” God’s answer? “Be obedient to our last conversation about your focus being on family, friends, and writing. I’m working for you behind the scenes.” 

4. Enjoy every chapter – even the waiting! Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, soak it up. Although I’m ashamed to admit it took me too long to learn how to relax and embrace summer vacation, rest and relaxation, we are now happily gallivanting from place to place on our Fairfax Fun Bucket List of cool spots to take toddlers! It’s a process, but I’ve learned how to be content in the right now instead of reaching too quickly for the next step.

There is purpose in your waiting! Look around. His answers are surrounding you. {It} can wait.

**And if you are wondering about my personal waiting…I got the job I wanted and start shortly! His faithfulness never fails. Feel free to share your own story about waiting. I’d love to hear! 

6 Things I’ve Learned in 6 Months of Marriage

Don’t laugh. Six months is a long time! Since Jeremy and I have obviously learned all the secrets of marriage since January 18th of this year, I thought I’d let you in on our discovery. (Please note this is spoken with the utmost humility as we are fully aware we have only made it 1/100th of the way through our marriage journey!)

1. Men are not women. Why was this not more obvious from the beginning? I’m really not sure, but to spare anyone else the struggle, I’ve learned if I want to talk for hours about the same topic, look around in Target in the house decor section, analyze a situation, shop for dresses, or a number of other things – I need my girlfriends. God made us different on purpose. And it’s something to be excited about, not sad. Tim and Kathy Keller talk about this here! Great read.
2. My joy comes from God, not my husband. I don’t ever believe I was that girl who assumed all of my problems would disappear after marriage, but I was disillusioned in believing that since I now had a built-in teammate, friend, and partner who was always there, I would have supernatural happiness at all times. Well, you know that “always there” part? That takes some adjustment. I have learned to be intentional with some of the routines I kept as a single woman. For example, I keep my mornings the same regardless of what else is going on: coffee, Bible, and workout in some sort of order. My husband does not complete me. We are two complete and whole people in Christ who compliment and help to show off God’s best in each other.
3.  Never underestimate the power of personal influence on your spouse. Whether it be with words or actions, things as simple as eating and workout habits, you have a God-given place of influence in the life of your husband or wife. How you use this influence is up to you each and every day. Honestly, I have daily choices to make that can and will affect my husband. Will I choose to see and acknowledge he has made the bed and done the laundry or will I choose to see and acknowledge that he hasn’t touched the overflowing dishwasher today? Will I stop to listen to his law enforcement story from years back or will I continue to check my texts and Facebook from that day? Will I choose to hold a grudge for him hurting my feelings with a seemingly insignificant comment or forgive him so we can enjoy our anniversary dinner? I have found that we think these things are small, but over time, they tend to have a compound affect on our relationship with our spouse. If he or she knows that you always stop to listen, how much more willing will they be to share about their day? If you always appreciate their work around the house, how much more frequently will they want to serve your family in other ways?
4. Take a deep breath. You’re continuing to grow together. I tend to jump to conclusions about situations way too quickly. “Oh my gosh. He left his shoes at the front door. This means every day for the rest of our lives, I’m going to have to pick up his shoes.” … And then I feel this whisper in my heart, “well, Kristina, that may not be entirely true. How about thinking a more rational thought like, ‘Wow, he must have been in a rush this afternoon when he got in! I wonder how his day went.'”  Instead of making an assumption or allowing fear to play out in my thoughts, I’ve chosen to a) believe the best in him and b) ask more questions to get to know him. I don’t think this continued pursuit of your spouse stops just because you might have more anniversaries under your belt. Asking clarifying questions before making accusatory statements tends to encourage conversation instead of conflict.
5. Play with nerf guns. Marriage is FUN! Have some of it once in awhile…or always! After a visit with my stepson Jeremiah, we realized he left his nerf guns out in his bedroom. As Jeremy began picking them up, he “accidentally” shot me in the stomach. War was declared in the Rivera household and we ran from room to room for at least half an hour, laughing and keeping track of our shot counts like 8 year olds! And can I help you out? This doesn’t happen every day. We can’t always expect the fun to come out on it’s own. Sometimes it takes some intentionality like planning trips to mini golf or the trampoline park or a local winery to play corn hole. Totally necessary and totally worth it!
6. Get some mentors. Find a couple (or multiple couples) who are modeling marriage well, and hang out with them. A few couples can be peers, but seek out those who have been doing the whole married thing longer than you. Jeremy and I have selected some folks who are newlyweds like us, have been married for 5 years, 15 years, and 30+ years… some have kids, some do not. Not only is it great to have people to share life with, it’s reassuring that we’re normal. I mean, not everyone instantly agrees on how to load the dishwasher. AND IT’S OKAY. You can still keep going without fearing the end is near!

*For you men who are reading: My husband’s male perspective fully supports this post and it’s contents.

Feel free to comment below and add your own “secrets” from the many more years of experience you may have! The best is yet to come!

“That’s not happening to me.”

Recently, I had the privilege of going back to my hometown to visit with my grandmother (lovingly called “Gram” by yours truly) during an especially difficult time. A few weeks back, she was diagnosed with lymphoma and was set to begin chemotherapy the day after I arrived. As I traveled south on 29, my mind wandered to other memories with my grandmother – banana milkshakes after school, having “coffee” (more like cream and sugar with a dab of coffee) together on the weekends when I would spend the night there as a child, prom dress shopping, and most recently – bridal gown shopping. She was any granddaughter’s dream: loving, available, and ready to spoil my brother and I rotten whenever she could!

But, I realized I had never seen my grandmother sick before. In fact, I realized I had never seen my grandmother anything but happy and that left me with a mystery: How would my grandmother respond to cancer?

The next morning, my mom set off early to take Gram to her first session of chemotherapy. My job was to pick up my grandfather a bit later in the morning from my grandparents’ house and bring him to see Gram after a few hours. Upon our arrival at the clinic, my mom met us at the door. I was almost afraid of what she might say. She was quick to reassure us everything was going well and that Gram was a trooper. Then she told us this little story. That morning, Gram’s nurse gave her an additional obligatory warning about chemotherapy including all the possible side effects. For those who may not know, they include but are not limited to fatigue, pain, sores, hair loss, blood disorders, and even death. As the nurse rambled off and finished this long list, she looked up at my grandmother and said, “Any questions?” Gram defiantly responded, “That’s not happening to me.”

Let me repeat what she said, “That’s not happening to me.” Those five words got me thinking. How often am I met with a challenge where I respond in the same way? Frequently, people will approach my husband and I to ask how our newlywed season is going… Sometimes without even a pause to hear our answer, they respond with, “Just wait until the honeymoon phase is over! Everything changes.” Or people who see our little toddler with us and say, “Oh, just wait until she turns two. She will throw a tantrum about everything.” Or a friend will ask about work, “How’s the new job going? I’ve heard that place is crazy.” Or you’re moving to a new area as a single person and someone says, “That’s a terrible place to date. The people there are all {fill in the blank with your favorite “non-spouse material” adjective}.

But what if instead of expecting the worst or believing what is spoken around us, we were expectant for God’s BEST? What if we defiantly said, “That’s not happening to me.” (Maybe more appropriately whispered in your heart and not out loud, but hey – maybe it needs to be voiced!) What if we believed for greatness in the years after our first year of marriage and the growth of our children and the job God has selected for us and the spouse He has already picked out? What if we said NO to the “side effects” and YES to God’s promises of His plan and our future in it?

And can I give you one more challenge? Can we believe this for our WORLD and not just for our own lives? So often I hear, “I can’t believe what the world has come to now” or “With all this change, the worst is yet to come.” Let’s speak LIFE over our lives and our nation. Let’s believe not the worst, but the BEST is yet to come.

That afternoon when the chemo finally stopped, Gram took a deep breath, said “I will NOT be nauseous when I stand up” and walked out of that room without one bit of help (and NO nausea!). Thank you Gram, for solving the mystery of how you would respond to a challenge and reminding me of my own ability to respond with faith and hope instead of fear and defeat. I sure am grateful I come from a line of persevering, faith-filled, and God-serving women!

Honoring: A Hometown Hero

A little over ten years ago, I moved away from my small hometown of Lovingston, located in Nelson County, Virginia. I graduated high school and started my college adventure. There was nothing that could hold me back from taking steps out of the area and towards “bigger and better.” I wanted so badly to be in a place where I wasn’t known by every store clerk, high school teacher, and police officer. I wanted to experience being that small fish in a big sea and having a private life. You see, Nelson County is a very small community. In 2013, the population was capped below 15,000 people, approximately 31 people per square mile and that just wasn’t working out at the time…

Then, about two weeks ago, on June 26th to be exact, I found myself thinking and reflecting about Nelson County more and more frequently. On that day, I read an article about a young lady named Whitney Loving who sustained severe head trauma in a horrific jeep accident while traveling on a road in my hometown. Oddly enough, I didn’t know this young lady, but I learned quickly that I seemed to be in the minority as a “Nelsonian.” If you didn’t know Whitney directly, you were impacted by her smile, beauty, love of The Lord, zest for life, and her heart for people. Her story was captivating….current reigning “Miss Nelson County, an athlete, a singer, a lover of Jesus, daughter, sister, neice, auntie, best friend, girlfriend, confidant, encourager… In looking at the #PrayersForWhitneyFaith Facebook page, I continued reading even more about her story and the impact she made on so many.

Then, this morning after almost two full weeks of fighting, Whitney went home to spend eternity with Jesus. Without ceasing, Whitney’s family and friends confidently posted the verse below that Whitney had on her license plate:

“Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7

As I sat praying today for this incredibly strong, faith-filled family, I couldn’t help but see that in this specific situation, I felt The Lord was granting us “instant gratification.” What if God was allowing “later” referred to in this verse to be now? You see I believe we are seeing part of Whitney’s miracle right now! In a matter of DAYS, Whitney brought together almost 12,000 people together to pray and believe for a miracle. TWELVE THOUSAND PEOPLE. Remember that statistic I gave you earlier about population? In number, Whitney has already reached almost the exact number of people who live in Nelson County, the county in which she reigns with the platform as Miss Nelson to “bring God into people’s lives.”  

And “bring God” is exactly what she has done. Throughout these last few days, I had the privilege of watching scores upon scores of people from my hometown and beyond join the #PrayersForWhitneyFaith group to follow her progress, to share encouraging remarks or scripture to those continuing to pray alongside Team Whitney, and to reminisce about countless memories filled with Whitney’s laughter, voice, support, and love. I had the honor of hearing from her mother filled with Jesus’ love, write powerful words of encouragement to a growing mass of people. I was humbled to see her surrender and unwavering trust in God – provided so willingly from such a vulnerable place. I even watched as people made recommitments to their faith because of this testimony.

As I sit here writing this tonight, I want to say a personal THANK YOU to Ms. Whitney Faith Loving. Thank you dear one, for your sacrifice, for your obedience every step of the way to walking out God’s plan for you even if we, down here on earth thought it was way too short. Thank you for reminding me again of the beauty of small town life, that bigger is not always better. Thank you for blessing a community with the biggest gift – one of UNITY, a revival of LOVE, an expectancy to see Jesus move, the eyes to count our blessings, and to see His mercies new each day. You are a gift and will continue to leave a lasting legacy of bringing God into people’s lives. I look forward to watching your testimony touch the hearts of thousands and thousands more.

Tonight and every night, Ms. Whitney, you make me proud to be a Nelsonian. #NelsonStrong

Feel free to comment below how Whitney has impacted your life and use this as an additional place to honor all she is to so many.

Today we celebrate unity.

Today is the day we celebrate our independence as a nation. As a country, we have generations of men and women to thank for the strength and wisdom they employed to make many difficult decisions and sacrifices to move our great country forward. On this day each year, we get the opportunity to pause and reflect on our history. Despite {insert whichever divisive topic you prefer to talk about here}, today we celebrate UNITY. Today, we put aside our differences and celebrate oneness and independence as a country.

As I personally reflect on our great nation, my mind typically wanders back to my own experiences with men and women who gave of themselves to provide us the freedom we have today to enjoy fireworks, concerts, parades, and barbecues. Below, you will find an account of an experience I had during a deployment to Afghanistan in 2010. I hope this serves as a very small reminder of the intestinal fortitude, bravery, and strength of who we are as a country. To me, this is an illustration of the people who have gone before us and those who continue to live all around us. Let us celebrate our history and our future today.

I took care of a 20 year old Lance Corporal I will call Mike. He was a sniper. The first time I saw him, he was sitting in a wheelchair staring straight ahead, completely quiet. I wasn’t working that night so I happily pranced by offering him cookies from my care package. He readily accepted (and probably was the reason for our friendship to follow!). Later, I learned his buddy, Frankie, was in the intensive care unit, about to fly to Landstuhl Regional Medical Center for further treatment. Mike and Frankie were walking when an IED went off under Frankie’s foot. Mike was thrown at least 20 feet in the air, landed on his back dazed and confused, managed to stand up, and immediately heard Frankie screaming nearby. Mike’s concussion caused a small loss of consciousness and serious disorientation, but somehow Mike found Frankie. Frankie’s legs were mangled, blood everywhere. Mike, his own head spinning from the blast, put tourniquets on Frankie’s legs immediately. The helicoptors were called as Mike sat with Frankie – no pain medication available, only comforting him with words and his presence for the longest 37 minutes of their lives.

A Black Hawk finally landed to pick them up. When they got to our hospital, we quickly learned Mike saved Frankie’s life. Without the tourniquets, Frankie would have died within minutes. I cannot tell you how many people stopped by to tell Mike about his “hero status.” The following night, Mike was my patient. His concussion was so severe from being so close to the IED blast that he was unable to stand up or walk. This same 20 year old guy who saved his buddy’s life, now was unable to ambulate from one side of his bed to the other. His eardrums were busted and he could barely hear. As (what felt like) the 100th visitor left his bedside, I went over to say hello. I found him, face in hands, balling. I sat down on the bed and touched his hand, completely expecting him to pull away, but surprised to feel him squeeze it instead. For a good solid 10 minutes, he cried. He said nothing and neither did I. Eventually, he looked up and said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am.” Obviously my response was, “For WHAT?” Apparently, it’s a part of the Marine Corps (unofficial) oath or something not to cry. We both had a good little laugh about the Marine Corps and he opened up. He rehashed all the details I mentioned above and then said every time he closed his eyes, he saw Frankie’s legs just hanging there. He said he couldn’t sleep. He said he felt anxious and scared. He said he felt guilty because Frankie has kids and a wife. He sat back to see my reaction. I was slow to respond. I looked down as I tried to take in his fears and struggles and told him he was the most normal human I had ever met, that if he was NOT affected by the events of the last day, I would be MORE concerned. He seemed to relax after that, to know he wasn’t “weird.” I told him he’d been through a lot and it would take some time to come to terms with all of it and it would NOT happen in a day or week or even a month. And I’ll never forget his response to me,“You know Ma’am, after all this, when I get back to the States, I can’t even go out and get a beer yet.” And then it hit me. This 20 year old MAN had learned more about himself than most Americans know in a lifetime. He knew that under pressure, when he shouldn’t have been able to stand, much less WALK, he went to his buddy and saved his LIFE. Mike and I spent the following three nights talking about the numerous accounts of loss he had experienced, from those of the enemy and those of his brothers. Not often did I respond because that’s not what he needed or even wanted. He had a story to tell, like so many others who experience a different perspective of freedom. And they need to feel like what they’re doing is for a reason, that Frankie losing his leg isn’t for nothing. So the next time we stand together united as a country, for the National Anthem, for our Fourth of July celebrations, or otherwise, know that you’re helping to give a reason for those who have offered part or all of their life to enjoy ‘the land of the free and the home of the brave.’ 

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Black, White, or Grey?

It’s either true or false. It’s yes or no. It’s inside the lines or outside the lines. It’s left or right. It’s black or white…or is it? Could it be true AND false, yes AND no, inside AND outside, left and then right? Could it be grey and not black OR white?

Over the last two years, I’ve made some transitions that have made me question my typically very clearcut decision making process, my “yes or no” mentality. Back in 2013, I started a Graduate Program in Psychiatric Nursing. I was positive this was the next “life step” for me. Less than a month in, I realized my passion was not in what I was learning. I even began questioning my lifelong calling to be a nurse. It was all very grey. At the same time I was questioning my purpose, I was asked to consider joining my church as a full-time Staff Member. I thought and prayed and made the leap. Within two days, I had withdrawn from Graduate School and started working at my church. I was all in! I thought to myself, “I wasn’t content pursuing higher education and I wasn’t positive about continuing my career in nursing so TA-DA! I am obviously meant to be in ministry. This is my sign.” So, from that point forward, I threw myself into learning everything I could about the Bible, reading book after book on leadership strategies, soaking up and gleaning from every superior that I had access.

My church role shifted around quite a bit from one ministry to the next and about a year in, I realized I was feeling similarly “grey” to the way I felt while in Grad School – some may call it unsettled or discontent or antsy or even unhappy. I’m going to call it “different.” And boy, was I ANGRY. I began telling myself, “Get it together! You released your career as a nurse and an opportunity for Graduate School to be here! You heard from God that this is where He wants you. Put your big girl panties on and suck it up!”

Let’s just say… that wasn’t working. Then, instead of giving myself a pep talk, I asked God what He thought about my anger and my feeling “different.” He said, “You hear me well. I said yes to this ministry for a time, not for your lifetime. And now I’m saying no.  have a new mission for your next chapter.”

My first reaction was, “WHAT?! All this investment and you only meant for me to be here for a year and a half? I would have read half as many books!” My second reaction was, “Wow. God loves me enough to give me multiple chapters of life, each with a new adventure!” (*If you know me, you’ll know I LOVE a good adventure…with an itinerary of course. #typeA)

I realized a couple significant things in that moment:

•  A “yes” right now does not mean a “yes” forever and a “no” right now does not mean “no” forever. **Please don’t get confused though. There are some “yes” answers that are forever… like the whole marriage “yes.” That means yes to infinity my friends. However, we’re talking about when we jump to the “I’m not supposed to have kids until I’m 30” or “I’m living in Colorado forever” or “I’m going to be a career military man” or “I’m supposed to get married before age 36.5.” God may desire for you to re-evaluate so He can take you into the grey area of transition so you can see what He is saying “yes” to in your life!
• Just because God’s answer changes quicker than you envision is not an indication of your ability to hear Him or even that you misheard the first time. Our time is not His time and our ways are certainly not His ways.
• God’s direction is black and white, as simple as “yes” or “no,” but living in the midst of the transition from one answer to the other may feel grey. Don’t get discouraged during the in-between or the grey space. Be confident that at the beginning and the end and all throughout each season is His resounding “yes” to your purpose. Trust in Him! (Just in case you think I say that lightly, this is coming from the girl who resigned from one position to say “yes” to God and am awaiting my future position…)

So I get to choose (and you do too!). Will I go all in when He says “yes” regardless of whether it’s a “no” later down the road? Will I be angry or anxious about a new transition that looks and feels very “grey?” Will I embrace what God had me learn from the previous chapter and echo His big, fat resounding “YES” to the next mission He has for me?

I’m excited to share about this new chapter and mission as He unveils it! Love you all!

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21

The Greatest Gift My Father Gave Me

I always get nostalgic around Father’s Day, going through a mental photo album of the special times with my dad. Summer vacations to the beach, teaching me to ride a bike or make a snowman, going to see the Orioles play at Camden Yards, pitching softballs to me in the batting cages until it was too dark to see, eating cereal together before school… If someone asked me to pick my favorite memory, I’m not sure I could. Until this year. Something changed and I realized my absolute favorite memory of my dad is not one moment in time, but that I have a HISTORY of moments with him. Let me explain.

You see, the greatest gift my father ever gave to me was faithfulness. From the time he said “I do” up until this very day, he has done everything in his power to support my brother, my mom, and I. He knew that when he said “yes” in marriage, he was saying “yes” to whatever God’s hand held for our family moving forward. So what did that mean for him specifically? Well, from what I hear, it meant going to get Beanie Weanies after 10pm to feed pregnancy cravings (geez, Mom…making some healthy choices back in the day!), working more than one job for longer than I can remember to provide for us, staying up late to throw batting practice for my brother and I and then waking up early to start his day before the house was awake, switching careers to make himself more available to take us to church, motivating me to conquer my fear of heights by sliding down (WITH ME) on the biggest water slide I’ve ever seen to this day, and telling me “no” a number of times during my teenage years to my extreme disdain.

But the one fact remains. From infancy to now adulthood, there has never been a time when I didn’t feel his love or know he was there to catch me if I were falling. Let me not give you the wrong idea. We had some …we’ll say HEATED discussions (he always won) and very difficult phases of life mostly because of my poor choices, but he loved me through it all. He has believed in me since the beginning and he’s still believing in me today.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Who really cares about faithfulness?” I will tell you I certainly do and here’s why:

If not for the way my father modeled what it looks like to love my mother well, to prioritize our needs and interests, to not pick and choose when to be part of our family, and to invest in my brother and I, my idea of a real man would be incredibly… jacked up. And I would take that idea of a “man” around with me, using it to measure all other men. Then, I’d probably select a husband based on that “man.”

Instead, I have this imperfect, but incredibly faithful father figure to help me see the qualities of a healthy man. This year, I was able to see that even more clearly when I married my husband Jeremy. For some reason, other men in my life never made the cut, but Jeremy did. People talk about an “it” factor or just knowing a man is “the one.” I believe my husband is most certainly “the one” and he has lots of “it” factors, but most of all, he loves me well, prioritizes our needs and interests, is present as part of our family, invests in our children… all of which sound a lot like my father…

Dad, THANK YOU. Thank you for being faithful. And present. And modeling what it looks like to lead a family so now, as Jeremy and I embark on our own journey together, we have your example to carry with us. The foundation you have laid will continue to hold us on this adventure of love. All my love now and forever.